Top 10 meest walgelijke platen om op vinyl te bezitten
Deze albums zijn afschuwelijk.
Herinner je je die vreemde jongen die je altijd betrapte op het peuteren in zijn neus of het eten van insecten in de klas toen je opgroeide? Welnu, hij is nog steeds smerig en is waarschijnlijk in een punkband. Zoals je waarschijnlijk hebt ontdekt in je tijd op deze planeet, zijn mensen in wezen weerzinwekkend. Mensen die muziek maken zijn daar niet anders in en vinden vaak verdorven plezier in het vieren van hun innerlijke GG Allin door de albums die ze uitbrengen. In de loop der jaren, toen de packaging van vinylplaten steeds onzinniger en extravaganter werd, hebben muzikanten creatievere manieren gevonden om een meer meeslepende (lees: weerzinwekkende) fysieke media te produceren. Kunst zou een stukje van de kunstenaar moeten bevatten, maar deze tien platen zouden je moeten uitdagen in hoeverre je wilt dat een kunstenaar iets van zichzelf met je deelt. Dit zijn de tien meest weerzinwekkende platen die op vinyl zijn verschenen. Sommige zijn relatief betaalbaar (ik vraag me af waarom), terwijl andere uit de vuile handen van hun eigenaar moeten worden gehaald met een aanzienlijke cheque. We zijn een lange weg gekomen van de Beatles’ butcher cover.
NunSlaughter/Mutilated Messiah – Maggots
Maggots are the universal indicator of complete filth. When finding something infested with maggots, the typical reaction is asking how this object can be completely eradicated from existence. Any good that object provided prior to the maggots will have to be sacrificed. One of the biggest nightmares that any collector can imagine is discovering a maggot infested record shelf. Death metal acts NunSlaughter and Mutilated Messiah apparently had no problem bringing the plague directly to their fans via this release. The Die Hard Edition of this split 7” comes in a sleeve packed with maggots. Yes, real maggots. If you’re grimy enough to add this to your collection at least quarantine it from the rest of your stuff. Spreading the pungent smell this record exudes to the rest of your collection is really going to tank any potential resale value. If you begin noticing more flies in your apartment, at least you know what to blame. The one-time 200 count pressing this release was afforded was 200 too many.
Eohippus - Pee and Hair
As music nerds, there is usually an artist or two we obsess over. Perhaps we go to absurd lengths to meet our idols or acquire all of their most rare releases. If you are a diehard Eohippus fan, your unwavering support includes dying to own a copy of a 7” that contains the band’s piss and hair. If you still have faith in humanity at this point, know that this record sold out almost instantly. Record label Velocity of Sound reasoned that Eohippus had, “dropped a nugget of musical genius so profound that we had to give it the royal treatment.” Hopefully I can get Iggy Pop to piss on my first pressing of “Fun House” soon (I’m sure there’s a sizable amount of Iggy piss out there. Hit me up on Twitter if you got a source). Don’t even expect the record to sound good because the hair pressed into the wax will lend itself to surface noise. But hey! At least no two records are alike! Cherish your unique degrading hair follicles and urine.
Perfect Pussy - Say Yes To Love
Perfect Pussy were looking for a unique idea to commemorate the special edition of their debut album. Vocalist Meredith Graves apparently jumped from a letterpress heading idea to putting her menstrual blood in the clear wax. (DJ Khalid’s reaction)[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7FqeqTpeRo&feature=youtu.be&t=15m] say it all. While this record would be objectively gross for most, the crossover population of clean freaks and Perfect Pussy fans is likely minimal. Despite the science laboratory contamination, these 180 copies of Graves’s DNA are highly sought after and net a steep price. Combining their manifesto-like debut record with the ultimate symbol of womanhood gives these scarce pieces of vinyl a suitable charm and significance that collectors drool over.
Butthole Surfers - Electriclarryland
Albums praised by critics are rarely accompanied by disgusting album art, but the Butthole Surfers were always the kind of band that carefully considered how they could push the envelope with every aspect of their band. Electriclarryland is considered the band’s magnum opus as well as classic in the punk/noise rock genre. The album cover which features a pencil jamming into an ear with blood spurting out has become an iconic, if uncomfortable, image associated with the band. The image generates so many questions. Why is the pencil in this man’s ear? Will he still be able to hear the album after this experience? Am I going to want to do this to myself after hearing this album? What is with this band’s obsession with bodily crevices? Thankfully no one was harmed in the making of this album art, and the album itself totally rips.
Trash Humpers OST
The indie-cult film Trash Humpers followed a gang of disturbed elderly individuals who mostly commit various crimes and REALLY enjoy trash (read the plot write-up if you really want to know). The film’s protagonists are the type of degenerates that would probably own most of the records on this list. The directors adamantly utilized retro media for the film which was shot on VHS. To afford the soundtrack a similar treatment, the music was released on vinyl by Drag City, which was a record label I greatly respected before finding them to be the vile individuals behind this release. The accompanying special edition 7"s were all "hand trashed." Most appear very dirty and have various degrees of hand drawn penises and graffiti on them. One lucky buyer got a live worm in his. They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I’m sure someone could not pass up the opportunity to hear “You Girls Juss Suck Large Fat Penis” on wax, but if you gift me this record I’m putting it back in the trash where it belongs.
Drunk & Horney - Songs in the Key of Stink
It should come as no shock that the band behind a release titled “Songs in the Key of Stink” are a group of nasties. Named after the groups’ collective mothers, Drunk & Horney decided that the best product to accompany their 7” was poop and fart scented scratch and sniffs. What better scents could possibly be inhaled while enjoying tracks like “Poop Songs” and “Fart Love”? The two reissues this record has received prove that there is quite a demand for sniffing fecal scents while spinning vinyl. Jokes aside, this creative juvenile hilarity likely accompanies a self-aware band that seems to be having a lot of fun.
Mütiilation – Remains Of A Ruined Dead Cursed Soul
Mütiilation played black metal in the nineties, so it goes without saying that they took their music, as well as their commitment to grossing out the general population, far too seriously. While it is great that the band members did not kill anybody or burn churches, it can probably be argued that smearing real blood on the cover of the record was still going too far. At the very least it’s a disgusting albeit clever way to spread germs. Fortunately for everyone except the cretins who enjoy black metal, Mütiilation founder Meyhna’ch ceased the spread of his microbes by “dying” after this release. Miraculously, he “arose” from the dead in 2011 to revive the project, in an awfully Christ-like move for someone so dedicated to Satan.
Cattle Decapitation - Humanure
There were many contenders when considering albums with outright disgusting art. Yes, Cannibal Corpse are the undisputed king of vomit-inducing album art. I also acknowledge the hundreds of lovely black metal artists that originally put actual murder scenes on their album cover. But no record sleeve combines disgust, shock, horror, and memorability better than Cattle Decapitation’s Humanure. Laying eyes on this cow’s bowels falling onto a buried man’s head is an incredibly jarring experience. The drab shades of dark green contrasting with the bright red cow insides clearly communicate this is a record marketed to different people (as if track titles like “Bukkae Tsunami” did not already drop the hint). This is the type of record that makes the owner squeam as non-metal friends or child discover it while flipping through their collection. Much to the dismay of unsuspecting people with disgusting friends (soon to be former friends?) who stumble upon this record’s art, the image gets stuck in your head and like a bad reoccurring dream it refuses to leave. Similar to a Cannibal Corpse release, I would ideally never see this album art again.
Nigel Pepper Cock - Fresh White Reeboks Kicking Your Ass
Many of the releases that came before number 9 on this list are undoubtedly strange and absurd, but the artist’s intent can be somewhat gathered. The only conceivable reason that Nigel Pepper Cock decided to release this record with this cover is to flaunt his vile membrane of manhood, because no one would actually consent to seeing it in person. The disgusting album “art” that accompanies this punk 12” could only have been conceived and determined to have been a good idea by someone that is devoid of any sense of decency or shame. The record instructs that “Jailbait is not allowed at this party.” After my eyes rolled out of my skull due to typing that, I would like to personally extend my “Thank You” to every parent and record store clerk that denied a minor the ability to purchase this objectively awful and obscene record.
Every personalized record pressed by Andvinyly.
Choosing a final resting place is one of life’s most important final decisions in order to afford loved ones their closure. Having one’s ashes pressed into a vinyl record will not be near the forefront of anyone subscribing to a traditional burial, yet this is the service Andvinyly respectfully provides for the newly bereaved. One of Andvinyly’s largest appeals is creating a permanent medium for speech or songs that the recently deceased recorded, so that future family members can spin the record to learn about their ancestor and the time they lived in. Recording a video is probably the simpler and more economically responsible option these days, but there will likely be no way to talk a decrepit music nerd out of spending thousands of dollars to ingrain oneself forever inside an already outdated media. Vinyl is almost sure to be completely foreign to most future family members, but part of being elderly is forcing loved ones to deal with you technological ineptitude anyway. If Grandpa is comfortable being reduced to the normally detested crackles and pops of a record, so be it.
TJ Kliebhan is a writer from Chicago, Illinois. He really likes Boris. He also met Bruce Springsteen once. Along with Vinyl Me, Please, his work has appeared on Noisey, The A.V. Club, Chicago Reader, and others.
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